Imperfect . Arrogant . Insecure – Not so flawless

It’s hard to say this but no less true, I have been arrogant, many times in my life.

But it’s also no lie to state arrogance is a cover up for insecurities, self-defense mechanisms and a huge red-light of immaturity and of low E.Q.

Arrogance was perhaps my childhood weapon against any potential bullies or any other form of marginalization, but it was also living up to the expectations of many of my neighbors’ perceptions of me. I’d often heard of how  labels such as “anti-social”, “stuck-up” , “snobbish”, “Oreo”, “coconut”, “she-thinks-she’s better” had gone around and so instead of trying to conform, create harmonious living space,  make everyone around me comfortable and achieve a more “kinder and like-able opinion” , I felt that “If they were already thinking I was “stuck-up”, it was their problem and It wasn’t my responsibility to make people less insecure around me”. So I continued to ride solo, choosing rather to befriend characters in Enid Blyton adventures or Roald Dahl fantasies when I was home. The only form of social life that existed in my childhood was merely a by product of the many extra-mural activities I participated in at school and Church Youth Club. I was doing fairly well at school,  an all-rounder, school leadership positions, involved in youth leadership at church and a self-righteous christian and perhaps it created in me a demigod complex.

But in all honesty,outside school and church, I was  not a fan of people, was distrusting and very self-protective. Living in a busy city didn’t help either as it meant being raised to constantly be in a state of paranoia, be distrusting and not ever be timid. Arrogance was my armor, my defense and a second skin I wore for many years into my adulthood.

I’m grateful for the rich friendships I have, the honesty and love  we share. I have people in my life who can, with lots of love and in the most dignified way, correct me and help me to remember who I am instead of defend my character . We love each other enough to be able to call each other to order and are reminded about what matters the most.

Growing up, travelling and reading has also expanded my mind and ability to appreciate mankind so much more. I honestly believe there’s more goodness in people than not and the fear (the opposite of love) is the reason there’s so much conflict in the world.

Fear leads to arrogance.

Arrogance is nothing more than a weakness disguised in strength. And the fact that I can describe it as a defense mechanism proves just that.

"Pride goes before destruction
“Pride goes before destruction”

I’m grateful for what growth and life experiences does to one’s development. The older I get, the more confident I’ve become about everything I am. I don’t fall into a specific mold (never have really) and I’m comfortable with that. I’m a critical thinker and don’t necessarily accept things at face value. I’m highly opinionated, but I’m also content enough not to impose. I am more curious about people’s different perspectives on life, current affairs,history, religion etc and I appreciate the differences. I’m curious about what informs the different beliefs and values of individuals. I’m open to learning often just listening and questioning , seeking more to understand. I’ve learnt to only engage in debates with people who are keen on different perspectives as much as they are willing to share theirs. I’m happy to educate, but I’m also open to unlearn and receive new learnings.

I see no reason to impose my own beliefs but just to respect those of others.

Growing up has exposed me to my own imperfections. I’ve learned I don’t know it all, I’m not always right and I’m certainly not perfect and for some reason, knowing these flaws about me has made that much more confident and I see little reason to assert myself or prove myself in anyway.

My friend Jax says it’s enlightenment.

I’m not perfect. Discovering that ( yes, I “discovered”)  was rather hard once upon a time, now as I write it feels so liberating. Because knowing I’m not perfect has made me less anxious. It’s not to say I’ve lowered my standards of being, it’s to say I’m more mature about what I expect of myself and of others.

Just reading this and all I see is “I”, “I”, “I” has made me wonder if anything has changed at all and if you don’t know me and saw me walking you’d probably conclude with conviction that I am indeed arrogant  ( Jax says it’s my walk). We also need to separate confidence from arrogance. And I hope from one human to another, if we ever ran into each other and engaged in a conversation, you will walk away feeling great, inspired and empowered because that’s what separates the confident from the arrogant. Confident people see and add value in others and not in themselves at the expense of others. That’s all I ever hope to do – inspire and empower, because therein lies the the magic of true connection.

Yes, I’m am imperfect and  that in itself is perfectly human.

As I continue to learn.

Regalchild

Advertisements

Do more of what makes you happy

I’ve found I’m happiest most when I’m doing something creative or active and being surrounded by nature. I swim and run because it makes me happy. These are my antidotes to the monster attacks. Those overhwhelming moments when everything seems dreary and unbearable. And lately I’ve just added hiking to my list. #Grateful 🙂

Captured at Lions Head Climbing trail
Captured at Lions Head Climbing trail – Cape Town

The star in that romantic comedy

Starring.jpg
Found this pic I took of his tattoo while working on my photography project. 🙂

I once featured in a romantic comedy. The main character a childhood crush that I had accidentally run into years later at a mall. A mall I only go to when I’m hoping not to run into anyone I know,  because it’s the worst mall in the north and no self respecting person should be spending their monies there. That day, I wasn’t self respecting. It being close to home, I figured I could just pop into a Forever New & Woolies and pop out as quickly as I could, without much notice. In fact I was so focused on getting these tasks ticked off my list, I didn’t even recognise him when he came up to say hello that day.

But a few weeks later we were flying high (or rather I was flying high) on life having the craziest and probably most out of character time ever. It was fun. I was addicted.

But then, like most addictions, the day we called it quits, went all cold turkey I hit a serious low.

Great guy though.

For the strangest reason, he disappeared as quickly as he had appeared. Pity, he was crazy fun, I think we’d have been good friends. Now it’s as if he had just been a figment of my imagination. Maybe he was.

I suppose that’s what makes it comedy.

🙂

Just a figment…

Gnyt fellas

I wana be a part of it!

Every year I remind myself of a promise I made a few years ago – To be part of the ball drop at a New Year’s Eve  party on TimeSquare.

I’ve been working on a personal project that has been taking a while to complete. I made a solemn vow that the day walk out of my Upper East side holiday apartment, whistle at the yellow cab and  instruct: “take me to Time Square please”, it would be the 31st December 201_ and I know I would be celebrating achieving project X successfully.

Yesterday I woke up to good news, the kind of news that make one dance spontaneously, jump in the air and pretend to be a ballerina doing a grand jeté.

I’ve been singing happy tunes in my happy little  heart since. I’m getting closer and closer to completing project X.

Which kind of means it will not be long till I greet Lady Liberty.

In the mean time though, I’m counting down in my beloved South Africa and the weather is beautiful. Quite excited for this coming year, I have a full calendar awaiting :).

#GratefulAlways.

Happy New Year!

2015 – I’m ready!

Let’s do this!

I’m dreaming of a bright & sunny Christmas

South African Christmases are probably one of the best in the world. I admit this is a biased view since I’ve only ever celebrated Christmas here. But with all the sunshine, the beaches, the bikini parties and cocktails, you can’t blame me for thinking we have it good. I do though, feel like we haven’t shared this enough with the rest of the world. Our foods and typically South African Christmas traditions need to be documented and celebrated. We need to have more summer Christmas carols and build more sandmen and sandcastles instead of snowmen.

” Do you want to build a sandman?”. Olaf needs to meet his African relatives, they’ll sure give him the best warm hugs.

http://www.littlepassports.com/blog/2013/12/12-days-of-christmas-around-the-world-day-10/
http://www.littlepassports.com/blog/2013/12/12-days-of-christmas-around-the-world-day-10/

I’m getting ready for 07:30 Church service for the biggest birthday celebration ever. Christ’s Annual Birthday Party!

So, let me get on with it. Have yourself a bright & sunny little Christmas full of ice-cold cocktails, braai-meat, chakalaka salad third coursed with jelly and custard  and if you are reading this from the Northern hemisphere, enjoy the snow and eggnog!

Let the Christ birthday celebrations begin!

Merry Christmas!

The Danger-Zone

After a year and a few months since I left, I visited my old office today. As I drove in I could still feel the pride and appreciation that I had always felt for the architectural brilliance of the office park. I’m convinced it is still one of the best office parks in Africa. I have to admit, I was quite spoilt for my first proper job. There’s a coffee shop, with regular coffee deliveries at your desk if you wish, a gym, a restaurant, state of the art Training and Conferencing center, plenty of parking and the kind of security that made it ok to work many late evenings.

Here, hard-work was always accompanied by great parties;  year-end parties, month-end parties, week-end parties, day-end parties, any-end parties – there was always an excuse for a good glass of wine with great gorgeous people!

Home.

It’s the kind of environment an organisation creates to ensure they retain skilled staff, this is where I’ve seen it done successfully. We spend a large percentage of our lives at work, so it is definitely ideal to work for an organisation where you are happy at. I’m grateful I could say that about my place of work.

Here’s a thing though, there’s no better recipe for career-suicide than when you start calling the organisation you work for “home”. When I started sleeping earlier, spending less time preparing and becoming fussy about where and how long I was willing to travel – I knew it was time for change.

comfort-zone

Comfort will hijack your growth and strangle your dreams.

Bank Robber

Sixteen months ago, I stepped into the unknown. I never make big decisions without proper praying, meditation and conviction, yet it wasn’t plain sailing. With absolutely no financial incentive for the move, I had to make a few lifestyle adjustments and get used to not having coffee deliveries, an office gym, state of the art equipment or enough parking space, but most of all It was character challenging not being a master of my game like I had been before. I went through self-doubt and suffered incredible anxiety. It was as if I had no clue how I’d succeeded before, as if I had just been lucky. All of a sudden I was acutely aware of and read many impostor syndrome articles – self-diagnosis.

I knew then that I was no longer a resident of comfort-zone. I had to get dirty, use manure and lots of water and make my side greener again. I was working hard and spending many late nights relearning, fine-tuning and developing new skills. I had to buy into the brand and learn to appreciate the value derived by clients we served. I don’t consider myself a master yet, but certainly am in a more confident space with my work and have received many ego-boosting, head-enlarging feedback comments from my clients, so I’m must be doing something right. Right? 😉

A few points I was reminded of today:

https://crossingthepondspring2014.wikispaces.com/How+to+Read

  1. Don’t pray to become more, unless that’s what you truly want.
  2. If you are going to pray for more, be prepared for change. It will be uncomfortable. It will be frustrating. It will be uncertain. This is where the magic is at.
  3. Comfort-zones are  the most dangerous neighborhoods you can ever reside in. The comfort is just perception and  It will kills your dreams.

I know this for sure, my blood will forever be green. I’m a firm believer of the brand. I love the product offering, great solutions that transform businesses across the world and its proudly South African innovation. However I’m grateful that I could comfortably be there today and not once feel like I longed to be back. It was confirmation for me that I had grown.